迪文小说

第17部分（第1页）

e？”

“I　am　sure　there　is　a　future　state；　I　believe　God　is　good；　I　can　resign　my　immortal　part　to　Him　without　any　misgiving。　God　is　my　father；　God　is　my　friend：　I　love　Him；　I　believe　He　loves　me。”

“And　shall　I　see　you　again；　Helen；　when　I　die？”

“You　will　e　to　the　same　region　of　happiness：　be　received　by　the　same　mighty；　universal　Parent；　no　doubt；　dear　Jane。”

Again　I　questioned；　but　this　time　only　in　thought。　“Where　is　that　region？　Does　it　exist？”　And　I　clasped　my　arms　closer　round　Helen；　she　seemed　dearer　to　me　than　ever；　I　felt　as　if　I　could　not　let　her　go；　I　lay　with　my　face　hidden　on　her　neck。　Presently　she　said；　in　the　sweetest　tone—

“How　fortable　I　am！　That　last　fit　of　coughing　has　tired　me　a　little；　I　feel　as　if　I　could　sleep：　but　don’t　leave　me；　Jane；　I　like　to　have　you　near　me。”

“I’ll　stay　with　you；　dear　Helen：　no　one　shall　take　me　way。”

“Are　you　warm；　darling？”

“Yes。”

“Good…night；　Jane。”

“Good…night；　Helen。”

She　kissed　me；　and　I　her；　and　we　both　soon　slumbered。

When　I　awoke　it　was　day：　an　unusual　movement　roused　me；　I　looked　up；　I　was　in　somebody’s　arms；　the　nurse　held　me；　she　was　carrying　me　through　the　passage　back　to　the　dormitory。　I　was　not　reprimanded　for　leaving　my　bed；　people　had　something　else　to　think　about；　no　explanation　was　afforded　then　to　my　many　questions；　but　a　day　or　two　afterwards　I　learned　that　Miss　Temple；　on　returning　to　her　own　room　at　dawn；　had　found　me　laid　in　the　little　crib；　my　face　against　Helen　Burns’s　shoulder；　my　arms　round　her　neck。　I　was　asleep；　and　Helen　was—dead。

Her　grave　is　in　Brocklebridge　churchyard：　for　fifteen　years　after　her　death　it　was　only　covered　by　a　grassy　mound；　but　now　a　grey　marble　tablet　marks　the　spot；　inscribed　with　her　name；　and　the　word　“Resurgam。”

Chapter　10

Hitherto　I　have　recorded　in　detail　the　events　of　my　insignificant　existence：　to　the　first　ten　years　of　my　life　I　have　given　almost　as　many　chapters。　But　this　is　not　to　be　a　regular　autobiography。　I　am　only　bound　to　invoke　Memory　where　I　know　her　responses　will　possess　some　degree　of　interest；　therefore　I　now　pass　a　space　of　eight　years　almost　in　silence：　a　few　lines　only　are　necessary　to　keep　up　the　links　of　connection。

When　the　typhus　fever　had　fulfilled　its　mission　of　devastation　at　Lowood；　it　gradually　disappeared　from　thence；　but　not　till　its　virulence　and　the　number　of　its　victims　had　drawn　public　attention　on　the　school。　Inquiry　was　made　into　the　origin　of　the　scourge；　and　by　degrees　various　facts　came　out　which　excited　public　indignation　in　a　high　degree。　The　unhealthy　nature　of　the　site；　the　quantity　and　quality　of　the　children’s　food；　the　brackish；　fetid　water　used　in　its　preparation；　the　pupils’　wretched　clothing　and　acmodations—all　these　things　were　discovered；　and　the　discovery　produced　a　result　mortifying　to　Mr。　Brocklehurst；　but　beneficial　to　the　institution。

Several　wealthy　and　benevolent　individuals　in　the　county　subscribed　largely　for　the　erection　of　a　more　convenient　building　in　a　better　situation；　new　regulations　were　made；　improvements　in　diet　and　clothing　introduced；　the　funds　of　the　school　were　intrusted　to　the　management　of　a　mittee。　Mr。　Brocklehurst；　who；　from　his　wealth　and　family　connections；　could　not　be　overlooked；　still　retained　the　post　of　treasurer；　but　he　was　aided　in　the　discharge　of　his　duties　by　gentlemen　of　rather　more　enlarged　and　sympathising　minds：　his　office　of　inspector；　too；　was　shared　by　those　who　knew　how　to　bine　reason　with　strictness；　fort　with　economy；　passion　with　uprightness。　The　school；　thus　improved；　became　in　time　a　truly　useful　and　noble　institution。　I　remained　an　inmate　of　its　walls；　after　its　regeneration；　for　eight　years：　six　as　pupil；　and　two　as　teacher；　and　in　both　capacities　I　bear　my　testimony　to　its　value　and　importance。

During　these　eight　years　my　life　was　uniform：　but　not　unhappy；　because　it　was　not　inactive。　I　had　the　means　of　an　excellent　education　placed　within　my　reach；　a　fondness　for　some　of　my　studies；　and　a　desire　to　excel　in　all；　together　with　a　great　delight　in　pleasing　my　teachers；　especially　such　as　I　loved；　urged　me　on：　I　availed　myself　fully　of　the　advantages　offered　me。　In　time　I　rose　to　be　the　first　girl　of　the　first　class；　then　I　was　invested　with　the　office　of　teacher；　which　I　discharged　with　zeal　for　two　years：　but　at　the　end　of　that　time　I　altered。

Miss　Temple；　through　all　changes；　had　thus　far　continued　superintendent　of　the　seminary：　to　her　instruction　I　owed　the　best　part　of　my　acquirements；　her　friendship　and　society　had　been　my　continual　solace；　she　had　stood　me　in　the　stead　of　mother；　governess；　and；　latterly；　panion。　At　this　period　she　married；　removed　with　her　husband　（a　clergyman；　an　excellent　man；　almost　worthy　of　such　a　wife）　to　a　distant　county；　and　consequently　was　lost　to　me。

From　the　day　she　left　I　was　no　longer　the　same：　with　her　was　gone　every　settled　feeling；　every　association　that　had　made　Lowood　in　some　degree　a　home　to　me。　I　had　imbibed　from　her　something　of　her　nature　and　much　of　her　habits：　more　harmonious　thoughts：　what　seemed　better　regulated　feelings　had　bee　the　inmates　of　my　mind。　I　had　given　in　allegiance　to　duty　and　order；　I　was　quiet；　I　believed　I　was　content：　to　the　eyes　of　others；　usually　even　to　my　own；　I　appeared　a　disciplined　and　subdued　character。

But　destiny；　in　the　shape　of　the　Rev。　Mr。　Nasmyth；　came　between　me　and　Miss　Temple：　I　saw　her　in　her　travelling　dress　step　into　a　post…chaise；　shortly　after　the　marriage　ceremony；　I　watched　the　chaise　mount　the　hill　and　disappear　beyond　its　brow；　and　then　retired　to　my　own　room；　and　there　spent　in　solitude　the　greatest　part　of　the　half…holiday　granted　in　honour　of　the　occasion。

I　walked　about　the　chamber　most　of　the　time。　I　imagined　myself　only　to　be　regretting　my　loss；　and　thinking　how　to　repair　it；　but　when　my　reflections　were　concluded；　and　I　looked　up　and　found　that　the　afternoon　was　gone；　and　evening　far　advanced；　another　discovery　dawned　on　me；　namely；　that　in　the　interval　I　had　undergone　a　transforming　process；　that　my　mind　had　put　off　all　it　had　borrowed　of　Miss　Temple—or　rather　that　she　had　taken　with　her　the　serene　atmosphere　I　had　been　breathing　in　her　vicinity—and　that　now　I　was　left　in　my　natural　element；　and　beginning　to　feel　the　stirring　of　old　emotions。　It　did　not　seem　as　if　a　prop　were　withdrawn；　but　rather　as　if　a　motive　were　gone：　it　was　not　the　power　to　be　tranquil　which　had　failed　me；　but　the　reason　for　tranquillity　was　no　more。　My　world　had　for　some　years　been　in　Lowood：　my　experience　had　been　of　its　rules　and　systems；　now　I　remembered　that　the　real　world　was　wide；　and　that　a　varied　field　of　hopes　and　fears；　of　sensations　and　excitements；　awaited　those　who　had　courage　to　go　forth　into　its　expanse；　to　seek　real　knowledge　of　life　amidst　its　perils。

I　went　to　my　window；　opened　it；　and　looked　out。　There　were　the　two　wings　of　the　building；　there　was　the　garden；　there　were　the　skirts　of　Lowood；　there　was　the　hilly　horizon。　My　eye　passed　all　other　objects　to　rest　on　those　most　remote；　the　blue　peaks；　it　was　those　I　longed　to　surmount；　all　within　their　boundary　of　rock　and　heath　seemed　prison…ground；　exile　limits。　I　traced　the　white　road　winding　round　the　base　of　one　mountain；　and　vanishing　in　a　gorge　between　two；　how　I　longed　to　follow　it　farther！　I　recalled　the　time　when　I　had　travelled　that　very　road　in　a　coach；　I　remembered　descending　that　hill　at　twilight；　an　age　seemed　to　have　elapsed　since　the　day　which　brought　me　first　to　Lowood；　and　I　had　never　quitted　it　since。　My　vacations　had　all　been　spent　at　school：　Mrs。　Reed　had　never　sent　for　me　to　Gateshead；　neither　she　nor　any　of　her　family　had　ever　been　to　visit　me。　I　had　had　no　munication　by　letter　or　message　with　the　outer　world：　school…rules；　school…duties；　school…habits　and　notions；　and　voices；　and　faces；　and　phrases；　and　costumes；　and　preferences；　and　antipathies—such　was　what　I　knew　of　existence。　And　now　I　felt　that　it　was　not　enough；　I　tired　of　the　routine　of　eight　years　in　one　afternoon。　I　desired　liberty；　for　liberty　I　gasped；　for　liberty　I　uttered　a　prayer；　it　seemed　scattered　on　the　wind　then　faintly　blowing。　I　abandoned　it　and　framed　a　humbler　supplication；　for　change；　stimulus：　that　petition；　too；　seemed　swept　off　into　vague　space：　“Then；”　I　cried；　half　desperate；　“grant　me　at　least　a　new　servitude！”

Here　a　bell；　ringing　the　hour　of　supper；　called　me　downstairs。

I　was　not　free　to　resume　the　interrupted　chain　of　my　reflections　till　bedtime：　even　then　a　teacher　who　occupied　the　same　room　with　me　kept　me　from　the　subject　to　which　I　longed　to　recur；　by　a　prolonged　effusion　of　small　talk。　How　I　wished　sleep　would　silence　her。　It　seemed　as　if；　could　I　but　go　back　to　the　idea　which　had　last　entered　my　mind　as　I　stood　at　the　window；　some　inventive　suggestion　would　rise　for　my　relief。

Miss　Gryce　snored　at　last；　she　was　a　heavy　Welshwoman；　and　till　now　her　habitual　nasal　strains　had　never　been　regarded　by　me　in　any　other　light　than　as　a　nuisance；　to…night　I　hailed　the　first　deep　notes　with　satisfaction；　I　was　debarrassed　of　interruption；　my　half…　effaced　thought　instantly　revived。

“A　new　servitude！　There　is　something　in　that；”　I　soliloquised　（mentally；　be　it　understood；　I　did　not　talk　aloud）；　“I　know　there　is；　because　it　does　not　sound　too　sweet；　it　is　not　like　such　words　as　Liberty；　Excitement；　Enjoyment：　delightful　sounds　truly；　but　no　more　than　sounds　for　me；　and　so　hollow　and　fleeting　that　it　is　mere　waste　of　time　to　listen　to　them。　But　Servitude！　That　must　be　matter　of　fact。　Any　one　may　serve：　I　have　served　here　eight　years；　now　all　I　want　is　to　serve　elsewhere。　Can　I　not　get　so　much　of　my　own　will？　Is　not　the　thing　feasible？　Yes—yes—the　end　is　not　so　difficult；　if　I　had　only　a　brain　active　enough　to　ferret　out　the　means　of　attaining　it。”

I　sat　up　in　bed　by　way　of　arousing　this　said　brain：　it　was　a　chilly　night；　I　covered　my　shoulders　with　a　shawl；　and　then　I　proceeded　TO　think　again　with　all　my　might。

“What　do　I　want？　A　new　place；　in　a　new　house；　amongst　new　faces；　under　new　circumstances：　I　want　this　because　it　is　of　no　use　wanting　anything　better。　How　do　people　do　to　get　a　new　place？　They　apply　to　friends；　I　suppose：　I　have　no　friends。　There　are　many　others　who　have　no　friends；　who　must　look　about　for　themselves　and　be　their　own　helpers；　and　what　is　their　resource？”

I　could　not　tell：　nothing　answered　me；　I　then　ordered　my　brain　to　find　a　response；　and　quickly。　It　worked　and　worked　faster：　I　felt　the　pulses　throb　in　my　head　and　temples；　but　for　nearly　an　hour　it　worked　in　chaos；　and　no　result　came　of　its　efforts。　Feverish　with　vain　labour；　I　got　up　and　took　a　turn　in　the　room；　undrew　the　curtain；　noted　a　star　or　two；　shivered　with　cold；　and　again　crept　to　bed。

A　kind　fairy；　in　my　absence；　had　surely　dropped　the　required　suggestion　on　my　pillow；　for　as　I　lay　down；　it　came　quietly　and　naturally　to　my　mind。—“Those　who　want　situations　advertise；　you　must　advertise　in　the—shire　Herald。”

“How？　I　know　nothing　about　advertising。”

Replies　rose　smooth　and　prompt　now：—

“You　must　enclose　the　advertisement　and　the　money　to　pay　for　it　under　a　cover　directed　to　the　editor　of　the　Herald；　you　must　put　it；　the　first　opportunity　you　have；　into　the　post　at　Lowton；　answers　must　be　addressed　to　J。E。；　at　the　post…office　there；　you