迪文小说

第20部分（第1页）

Of　course　the　intellectual　assumption　which　makes　his　system　untenable　by　the　thinker　of　our　time　is：　that　we　possess　a　knowledge　of　the　absolute。　Noble　is　the　belief　that　by　exercise　of　his　reason　a　man　may　enter　into　munion　with　that　Rational　Essence　which　is　the　soul　of　the　world；　but　precisely　because　of　our　inability　to　find　within　ourselves　any　such　sure　and　certain　guidance　do　we　of　to…day　accept　the　barren　doom　of　scepticism。　Otherwise；　the　Stoics　sense　of　mans　subordination　in　the　universal　scheme；　and　of　the　all…ruling　destiny；　brings　him　into　touch　with　our　own　philosophical　views；　and　his　doctrine　concerning　the　〃sociable〃　nature　of　man；　of　the　reciprocal　obligations　which　exist　between　all　who　live；　are　entirely　congenial　to　the　better　spirit　of　our　day。　His　fatalism　is　not　mere　resignation；　one　has　not　only　to　accept　ones　lot；　whatever　it　is；　as　inevitable；　but　to　accept　it　with　joy；　with　praises。　Why　are　we　here？　For　the　same　reason　that　has　brought　about　the　existence　of　a　horse；　or　of　a　vine；　to　play　the　part　allotted　to　us　by　Nature。　As　it　is　within　our　power　to　understand　the　order　of　things；　so　are　we　capable　of　guiding　ourselves　in　accordance　therewith；　the　will；　powerless　over　circumstance；　is　free　to　determine　the　habits　of　the　soul。　The　first　duty　is　self…discipline；　its　correspondent　first　privilege　is　an　inborn　knowledge　of　the　law　of　life。

But　we　are　fronted　by　that　persistent　questioner　who　will　accept　no　a　priori　assumption；　however　noble　in　its　character　and　beneficent　in　its　tendency。　How　do　we　know　that　the　reason　of　the　Stoic　is　at　harmony　with　the　worlds　law？　I；　perhaps；　may　see　life　from　a　very　different　point　of　view；　to　me　reason　may　dictate；　not　self…subdual；　but　self…indulgence；　I　may　find　in　the　free　exercise　of　all　my　passions　an　existence　far　more　consonant　with　what　seems　to　me　the　dictate　of　Nature。　I　am　proud；　Nature　has　made　me　so；　let　my　pride　assert　itself　to　justification。　I　am　strong；　let　me　put　forth　my　strength；　it　is　the　destiny　of　the　feeble　to　fall　before　me。　On　the　other　hand；　I　am　weak　and　I　suffer；　what　avails　a　mere　assertion　that　fate　is　just；　to　bring　about　my　calm　and　glad　acceptance　of　this　down…trodden　doom？　Nay；　for　there　is　that　within　my　soul　which　bids　me　revolt；　and　cry　against　the　iniquity　of　some　power　I　know　not。　Granting　that　I　am　pelled　to　acknowledge　a　scheme　of　things　which　constrains　me　to　this　or　that；　whether　I　will　or　no；　how　can　I　be　sure　that　wisdom　or　moral　duty　lies　in　acquiescence？　Thus　the　unceasing　questioner；　to　whom；　indeed；　there　is　no　reply。　For　our　philosophy　sees　no　longer　a　supreme　sanction；　and　no　longer　hears　a　harmony　of　the　universe。

〃He　that　is　unjust　is　also　impious。　For　the　Nature　of　the　Universe；　having　made　all　reasonable　creatures　one　for　another；　to　the　end　that　they　should　do　one　another　good；　more　or　less；　according　to　the　several　persons　and　occasions；　but　in　no　wise　hurt　one　another；　it　is　manifest　that　he　that　doth　transgress　against　this　her　will；　is　guilty　of　impiety　towards　the　most　ancient　and　venerable　of　all　the　Deities。〃　How　gladly　would　I　believe　this！　That　injustice　is　impiety；　and　indeed　the　supreme　impiety；　I　will　hold　with　my　last　breath；　but　it　were　the　merest　affectation　of　a　noble　sentiment　if　I　supported　my　faith　by　such　a　reasoning。　I　see　no　single　piece　of　strong　testimony　that　justice　is　the　law　of　the　universe；　I　see　suggestions　incalculable　tending　to　prove　that　it　is　not。　Rather　must　I　apprehend　that　man；　in　some　inconceivable　way；　may　at　his　best　moments　represent　a　Principle　darkly　at　strife　with　that　which　prevails　throughout　the　world　as　known　to　us。　If　the　just　man　be　in　truth　a　worshipper　of　the　most　ancient　of　Deities；　he　must　needs　suppose；　either　that　the　object　of　his　worship　belongs　to　a　fallen　dynasty；　or……what　from　of　old　has　been　his　refuge……that　the　sacred　fire　which　burns　within　him　is　an　〃evidence　of　things　not　seen。〃　What　if　I　am　incapable　of　either　supposition？　There　remains　the　dignity　of　a　hopeless　cause……〃sed　victa　Catoni。〃　But　how　can　there　sound　the　hymn　of　praise？

〃That　is　best　for　everyone；　which　the　mon　Nature　of　all　doth　send　unto　everyone；　and　then　is　it　best；　when　she　doth　send　it。〃　The　optimism　of　Necessity；　and　perhaps；　the　highest　wisdom　man　can　attain　unto。　〃Remember　that　unto　reasonable　creatures　only　is　it　granted　that　they　may　willingly　and　freely　submit。〃　No　one　could　be　more　sensible　than　I　of　the　persuasiveness　of　this　high　theme。　The　words　sing　to　me；　and　life　is　illumined　with　soft　glory；　like　that　of　the　autumn　sunset　yonder。　〃Consider　how　mans　life　is　but　for　a　very　moment　of　time；　and　so　depart　meek　and　contented：　even　as　if　a　ripe　olive　falling　should　praise　the　ground　that　bare　her；　and　give　thanks　to　the　tree　that　begat　her。〃　So　would　I　fain　think；　when　the　moment　es。　It　is　the　mood　of　strenuous　endeavour；　but　also　the　mood　of　rest。　Better　than　the　calm　of　achieved　indifference　（if　that；　indeed；　is　possible　to　man）；　better　than　the　ecstasy　which　contemns　the　travail　of　earth　in　contemplation　of　bliss　to　e。　But；　by　no　effort　attainable。　An　influence　of　the　unknown　powers；　a　peace　that　falleth　upon　the　soul　like　dew　at　evening。

XIV

I　have　had　one　of　my　savage　headaches。　For　a　day　and　a　night　I　was　in　blind　torment。　Have　at　it；　now；　with　the　stoic　remedy。　Sickness　of　the　body　is　no　evil。　With　a　little　resolution　and　considering　it　as　a　natural　issue　of　certain　natural　processes；　pain　may　well　be　borne。　Ones　solace　is；　to　remember　that　it　cannot　affect　the　soul；　which　partakes　of　the　eternal　nature。　This　body　is　but　as　〃the　clothing；　or　the　cottage；　of　the　mind。〃　Let　flesh　be　racked；　I；　the　very　I；　will　stand　apart；　lord　of　myself。

Meanwhile；　memory；　reason；　every　faculty　of　my　intellectual　part；　is　being　whelmed　in　muddy　oblivion。　Is　the　soul　something　other　than　the　mind？　If　so；　I　have　lost　all　consciousness　of　its　existence。　For　me；　mind　and　soul　are　one；　and；　as　I　am　too　feelingly　reminded；　that　element　of　my　being　is　HERE；　where　the　brain　throbs　and　anguishes。　A　little　more　of　such　suffering；　and　I　were　myself　no　longer；　the　body　representing　me　would　gesticulate　and　rave；　but　I　should　know　nothing　of　its　motives；　its　fantasies。　The　very　I；　it　is　too　plain；　consists　but　with　a　certain　balance　of　my　physical　elements；　which　we　call　health。　Even　in　the　light　beginnings　of　my　headache；　I　was　already　not　myself；　my　thoughts　followed　no　normal　course；　and　I　was　aware　of　the　abnormality。　A　few　hours　later；　I　was　but　a　walking　disease；　my　mind……if　one　could　use　the　word……had　bee　a　barrel…organ；　grinding　in　endless　repetition　a　bar　or　two　of　idle　music。

What　trust　shall　I　repose　in　the　soul　that　serves　me　thus？　Just　as　much；　one　would　say；　as　in　the　senses；　through　which　I　know　all　that　I　can　know　of　the　world　in　which　I　live；　and　which；　for　all　I　can　tell；　may　deceive　me　even　more　grossly　in　their　mon　use　than　they　do　on　certain　occasions　where　I　have　power　to　test　them；　just　as　much；　and　no　more……if　I　am　right　in　concluding　that　mind　and　soul　are　merely　subtle　functions　of　body。　If　I　chance　to　bee　deranged　in　certain　parts　of　my　physical　mechanism；　I　shall　straightway　be　deranged　in　my　wits；　and　behold　that　Something　in　me　which　〃partakes　of　the　eternal〃　prompting　me　to　pranks　which　savour　little　of　the　infinite　wisdom。　Even　in　its　normal　condition　（if　I　can　determine　what　that　is）　my　mind　is　obviously　the　slave　of　trivial　accidents；　I　eat　something　that　disagrees　with　me；　and　of　a　sudden　the　whole　aspect　of　life　is　changed；　this　impulse　has　lost　its　force；　and　another　which　before　I　should　not　for　a　moment　have　entertained；　is　all…powerful　over　me。　In　short；　I　know　just　as　little　about　myself　as　I　do　about　the　Eternal　Essence；　and　I　have　a　haunting　suspicion　that　I　may　be　a　mere　automaton；　my　every　thought　and　act　due　to　some　power　which　uses　and　deceives　me。

Why　am　I　meditating　thus；　instead　of　enjoying　the　life　of　the　natural　man；　at　peace　with　himself　and　the　world；　as　I　was　a　day　or　two　ago？　Merely；　it　is　evident；　because　my　health　has　suffered　a　temporary　disorder。　It　has　passed；　I　have　thought　enough　about　the　unthinkable；　I　feel　my　quiet　returning。　Is　it　any　merit　of　mine　that　I　begin　to　be　in　health　once　more？　Could　I；　by　any　effort　of　the　will；　have　shunned　this　pitfall？

XV

Blackberries　hanging　thick　upon　the　hedge　bring　to　my　memory　something　of　long　ago。　I　had　somehow　escaped　into　the　country；　and　on　a　long　walk　began　to　feel　mid…day　hunger。　The　wayside　brambles　were　fruiting；　I　picked　and　ate；　and　ate　on；　until　I　had　e　within　sight　of　an　inn　where　I　might　have　made　a　meal。　But　my　hunger　was　satisfied；　I　had　no　need　of　anything　more；　and；　as　I　thought　of　it；　a　strange　feeling　of　surprise；　a　sort　of　bewilderment；　came　upon　me。　What！　Could　it　be　that　I　had　eaten；　and　eaten　sufficiently；　WITHOUT　PAYING？　It　struck　me　as　an　extraordinary　thing。　At　that　time；　my　ceaseless　preoccupation　was　how　to　obtain　money　to　keep　myself　alive。　Many　a　day　I　had　suffered　hunger　because　I　durst　not　spend　the　few　coins　I　possessed；　the　food　I　could　buy　was　in　any　case　unsatisfactory；　unvaried。　But　here　Nature　had　given　me　a　feast；　which　seemed　delicious；　and　I　had　eaten　all　I　wanted。　The　wonder　held　me　for　a　long　time；　and　to　this　day　I　can　recall　it；　understand　it。

I　think　there　could　be　no　better　illustration　of　what　it　means　to　be　very　poor　in　a　great　town。　And　I　am　glad　to　have　been　through　it。　To　those　days　of　misery　I　owe　much　of　the　contentment　which　I　now　enjoy；　not　by　mere　force　of　contrast；　but　because　I　have　been　better　taught　than　most　men　the　facts　which　condition　our　day　to　day　existence。　To　the　ordinary　educated　person；　freedom　from　anxiety　as　to　how　he　shall　merely　be　fed　and　clothed　is　a　matter　of　course；　questioned；　he　would　admit　it　to　be　an　agreeable　state　of　things；　but　it　is　no　more　a　source　of　conscious　joy　to　him　than　physical　health　to　the　thoroughly　sound　man。　For　me；　were　I　to　live　another　fifty　years；　this　security　would　be　a　delightful　surprise　renewed　with　every　renewal　of　day。　I　know；　as　only　one　with　my　experience　can；　all　that　is　involved　in　the　possession　of　means　to　live。　The　average　educated　man　has　never　stood　alone；　utterly　alone；　just　clad　and　nothing　more　than　that；　with　the　problem　before　him　of　wresting　his　next　meal　from　a　world　that　cares　not　whether　he　live　or　die。　There　is　no　such　school　of　political　economy。　Go　through　that　course　of　lectures；　and　you　will　never　again　bee　confused　as　to　the　meaning　of　elementary　terms　in　that　sorry　science。

I　understand；　far　better　than　most　men；　what　I　owe　to　the　labour　of　others。　This　money　which　I　〃draw〃　at　the　four　quarters　of　the　year；　in　a　sense　falls　to　me　from　heaven；　but　I　know　very　well　that　every　drachm　is　sweated　from　human　pores。　Not；　thank　goodness；　with　the　declared　tyranny　of　basest　capitalism；　I　mean　only　that　it　is　the　product　of　human　labour；　perhaps　wholesome；　but　none　the　less　pulsory。　Look　far　enough；　and　it　means　muscular　toil；　that　swinking　of　the　ruder　man　which　supports　all　the　plex　structure　of　our　life。　When　I　think　of　him　thus；　the　man　of　the　people　earns　my　gratitude。　That　it　is　gratitude　from　afar；　that　I　never　was；　and　never　shall　be；　capable　of　democratic　fervour；　is　a　characteristic　of　my　mind　which　I　long　ago　accepted　as　final。　I　have　known　revolt　agains