迪文小说

第18部分（第1页）

to　passionless　contemplation。　I　understand；　now；　the　intellectual　mood　of　the　quietist。

Of　course　my　good　housekeeper　has　tended　me　perfectly；　with　the　minimum　of　needless　talk。　Wonderful　woman！

If　the　evidence　of　a　well…spent　life　is　necessarily　seen　in　〃honour；　love；　obedience；　troops　of　friends；〃　mine；　it　is　clear；　has　fallen　short　of　a　moderate　ideal。　Friends　I　have　had；　and　have；　but　very　few。　Honour　and　obedience……why；　by　a　stretch；　Mrs。　M…　may　perchance　represent　these　blessings。　As　for　love……？

Let　me　tell　myself　the　truth。　Do　I　really　believe　that　at　any　time　of　my　life　I　have　been　the　kind　of　man　who　merits　affection？　I　think　not。　I　have　always　been　much　too　self…absorbed；　too　critical　of　all　about　me；　too　unreasonably　proud。　Such　men　as　I　live　and　die　alone；　however　much　in　appearance　acpanied。　I　do　not　repine　at　it；　nay；　lying　day　after　day　in　solitude　and　silence；　I　have　felt　glad　that　it　was　so。　At　least　I　give　no　one　trouble；　and　that　is　much。　Most　solemnly　do　I　hope　that　in　the　latter　days　no　long　illness　a　this　life　of　quiet　enjoyment　to　the　final　peace。　So　shall　no　one　think　of　me　with　pained　sympathy　or　with　weariness。　One……two……even　three　may　possibly　feel　regret；　e　the　end　how　it　may；　but　I　do　not　flatter　myself　that　to　them　I　am　more　than　an　object　of　kindly　thought　at　long　intervals。　It　is　enough；　it　signifies　that　I　have　not　erred　wholly。　And　when　I　think　that　my　daily　life　testifies　to　an　act　of　kindness　such　as　I　could　never　have　dreamt　of　meriting　from　the　man　who　performed　it；　may　I　not　be　much　more　than　content？

VI

How　I　envy　those　who　bee　prudent　without　thwackings　of　experience！　Such　men　seem　to　be　not　unmon。　I　dont　mean　cold…　blooded　calculators　of　profit　and　loss　in　lifes　possibilities；　nor　yet　the　plodding　dull；　who　never　have　imagination　enough　to　quit　the　beaten　track　of　security；　but　bright…witted　and　large…hearted　fellows　who　seem　always　to　be　led　by　mon　sense；　who　go　steadily　from　stage　to　stage　of　life；　doing　the　right；　the　prudent　things；　guilty　of　no　vagaries；　winning　respect　by　natural　progress；　seldom　needing　aid　themselves；　often　helpful　to　others；　and；　through　all；　good…tempered；　deliberate；　happy。　How　I　envy　them！

For　of　myself　it　might　be　said　that　whatever　folly　is　possible　to　a　moneyless　man；　that　folly　I　have　at　one　time　or　another　mitted。　Within　my　nature　there　seemed　to　be　no　faculty　of　rational　self…　guidance。　Boy　and　man；　I　blundered　into　every　ditch　and　bog　which　lay　within　sight　of　my　way。　Never　did　silly　mortal　reap　such　harvest　of　experience；　never　had　any　one　so　many　bruises　to　show　for　it。　Thwack；　thwack！　No　sooner　had　I　recovered　from　one　sound　drubbing　than　I　put　myself　in　the　way　of　another。　〃Unpractical〃　I　was　called　by　those　who　spoke　mildly；　〃idiot〃……I　am　sure……by　many　a　ruder　tongue。　And　idiot　I　see　myself；　whenever　I　glance　back　over　the　long；　devious　road。　Something；　obviously；　I　lacked　from　the　beginning；　some　balancing　principle　granted　to　most　men　in　one　or　another　degree。　I　had　brains；　but　they　were　no　help　to　me　in　the　mon　circumstances　of　life。　But　for　the　good　fortune　which　plucked　me　out　of　my　mazes　and　set　me　in　paradise；　I　should　no　doubt　have　blundered　on　to　the　end。　The　last　thwack　of　experience　would　have　laid　me　low　just　when　I　was　being　really　a　prudent　man。

VII

This　mornings　sunshine　faded　amid　slow…gathering　clouds；　but　something　of　its　light　seems　still　to　linger　in　the　air；　and　to　touch　the　rain　which　is　falling　softly。　I　hear　a　pattering　upon　the　still　leafage　of　the　garden；　it　is　a　sound　which　lulls；　and　tunes　the　mind　to　calm　thoughtfulness。

I　have　a　letter　to…day　from　my　old　friend　in　Germany；　E。　B。　For　many　and　many　a　year　these　letters　have　made　a　pleasant　incident　in　my　life；　more　than　that；　they　have　often　brought　me　help　and　fort。　It　must　be　a　rare　thing　for　friendly　correspondence　to　go　on　during　the　greater　part　of　a　lifetime　between　men　of　different　nationalities　who　see　each　other　not　twice　in　two　decades。　We　were　young　men　when　we　first　met　in　London；　poor；　struggling；　full　of　hopes　and　ideals；　now　we　look　back　upon　those　far　memories　from　the　autumn　of　life。　B。　writes　to…day　in　a　vein　of　quiet　contentment；　which　does　me　good。　He　quotes　Goethe：　〃Was　man　in　der　Jugend　begehrt　hat　man　im　Alter　die　Fulle。〃

These　words　of　Goethes　were　once　a　hope　to　me；　later；　they　made　me　shake　my　head　incredulously；　now　I　smile　to　think　how　true　they　have　proved　in　my　own　case。　But　what；　exactly；　do　they　mean？　Are　they　merely　an　expression　of　the　optimistic　spirit？　If　so；　optimism　has　to　content　itself　with　rather　doubtful　generalities。　Can　it　truly　be　said　that　most　men　find　the　wishes　of　their　youth　satisfied　in　later　life？　Ten　years　ago；　I　should　have　utterly　denied　it；　and　could　have　brought　what　seemed　to　me　abundant　evidence　in　its　disproof。　And　as　regards　myself；　is　it　not　by　mere　happy　accident　that　I　pass　my　latter　years　in　such　enjoyment　of　all　I　most　desired？　Accident……but　there　is　no　such　thing。　I　might　just　as　well　have　called　it　an　accident　had　I　succeeded　in　earning　the　money　on　which　now　I　live。

From　the　beginning　of　my　manhood；　it　is　true；　I　longed　for　bookish　leisure；　that；　assuredly；　is　seldom　even　one　of　the　desires　in　a　young　mans　heart；　but　perhaps　it　is　one　of　those　which　may　most　reasonably　look　for　gratification　later　on。　What；　however；　of　the　multitudes　who　aim　only　at　wealth；　for　the　power　and　the　pride　and　the　material　pleasures　which　it　represents？　We　know　very　well　that　few　indeed　are　successful　in　that　aim；　and；　missing　it；　do　they　not　miss　everything？　For　them；　are　not　Goethes　words　mere　mockery？

Apply　them　to　mankind　at　large；　and　perhaps；　after　all；　they　are　true。　The　fact　of　national　prosperity　and　contentment　implies；　necessarily；　the　prosperity　and　contentment　of　the　greater　number　of　the　individuals　of　which　the　nation　consists。　In　other　words；　the　average　man　who　is　past　middle　life　has　obtained　what　he　strove　for…　…success　in　his　calling。　As　a　young　man；　he　would　not；　perhaps；　have　set　forth　his　aspirations　so　moderately；　but　do　they　not；　as　a　fact；　amount　to　this？　In　defence　of　the　optimistic　view；　one　may　urge　how　rare　it　is　to　meet　with　an　elderly　man　who　harbours　a　repining　spirit。　True；　but　I　have　always　regarded　as　a　fact　of　infinite　pathos　the　ability　men　have　to　subdue　themselves　to　the　conditions　of　life。　Contentment　so　often　means　resignation；　abandonment　of　the　hope　seen　to　be　forbidden。

I　cannot　resolve　this　doubt。

VIII

I　have　been　reading　Sainte…Beuves　Port　Royal；　a　book　I　have　often　thought　of　reading；　but　its　length；　and　my　slight　interest　in　that　period；　always　held　me　aloof。　Happily；　chance　and　mood　came　together；　and　I　am　richer　by　a　bit　of　knowledge　well　worth　acquiring。　It　is　the　kind　of　book　which；　one　may　reasonably　say；　tends　to　edification。　One　is　better　for　having　lived　a　while　with　〃Messieurs　de　Port…Royal〃；　the　best　of　them　were；　surely；　not　far　from　the　Kingdom　of　Heaven。

Theirs　is　not；　indeed；　the　Christianity　of　the　first　age；　we　are　among　theologians；　and　the　shadow　of　dogma　has　dimmed　those　divine　hues　of　the　early　morning；　yet　ever　and　anon　there　es　a　cool；　sweet　air；　which　seems　not　to　have　blown　across　mans　mon　world；　which　bears　no　taint　of　mortality。

A　gallery　of　impressive　and　touching　portraits。　The　great…souled　M。　de　Saint…Cyran；　with　his　vision　of　Christ　restored；　M。　Le　Maitre；　who；　at　the　summit　of　a　brilliant　career；　turned　from　the　world　to　meditation　and　penitence；　Pascal；　with　his　genius　and　his　triumphs；　his　conflicts　of　soul　and　fleshly　martyrdom；　Lancelot；　the　good　Lancelot；　ideal　schoolmaster；　who　wrote　grammar　and　edited　classical　books；　the　vigorous　Arnauld；　doctoral　rather　than　saintly；　but　long…　suffering　for　the　faith　that　was　in　him；　and　all　the　smaller　names……　Walon　de　Beaupuis；　Nicole；　Hamon……spirits　of　exquisite　humility　and　sweetness……a　perfume　rises　from　the　page　as　one　reads　about　them。　But　best　of　all　I　like　M。　de　Tillemont；　I　could　have　wished　for　myself　even　such　a　life　as　his；　wrapped　in　silence　and　calm；　a　life　of　gentle　devotion　and　zealous　study。　From　the　age　of　fourteen；　he　said；　his　intellect　had　occupied　itself　with　but　one　subject；　that　of　ecclesiastical　history。　Rising　at　four　oclock；　he　read　and　wrote　until　half…past　nine　in　the　evening；　interrupting　his　work　only　to　say　the　Offices　of　the　Church；　and　for　a　couple　of　hours　breathing　at　mid…day。　Few　were　his　absences。　When　he　had　to　make　a　journey；　he　set　forth　on　foot；　staff　in　hand；　and　lightened　the　way　by　singing　to　himself　a　psalm　or　canticle。　This　man　of　profound　erudition　had　as　pure　and　simple　a　heart　as　ever　dwelt　in　mortal。　He　loved　to　stop　by　the　road　and　talk　with　children；　and　knew　how　to　hold　their　attention　whilst　teaching　them　a　lesson。　Seeing　boy　or　girl　in　charge　of　a　cow；　he　would　ask：　〃How　is　it　that　you；　a　little　child；　are　able　to　control　that　animal；　so　much　bigger　and　stronger？〃　And　he　would　show　the　reason；　speaking　of　the　human　soul。　All　this　about　Tillemont　is　new　to　me；　well　as　I　knew　his　name　（from　the　pages　of　Gibbon）；　I　thought　of　him　merely　as　the　laborious　and　accurate　piler　of　historical　materials。　Admirable　as　was　his　work；　the　spirit　in　which　he　performed　it　is　the　thing　to　dwell　upon；　he　studied　for　studys　sake；　and　with　no　aim　but　truth；　to　him　it　was　a　matter　of　indifference　whether　his　learning　ever　became　known　among　men；　and　at　any　moment　he　would　have　given　the　fruits　of　his　labour　to　any　one　capable　of　making　use　of　them。

Think　of　the　world　in　which　the　Jansenists　were　living；　the　world　of　the　Fronde；　of　Richelieu　and　Mazarin；　of　his　refulgent　Majesty　Louis　XIV。　Contrast　Port…Royal　with　Versailles；　and……whatever　ones　judgment　of　their　religious　and　ecclesiastical　aims……one　must　needs　say　that　these　men　lived　with　dignity。　The　Great　Monarch　is；　in　parison；　a　poor；　sordid　creature。　One　thinks　of　Moliere　refused　burial……the　kings　contemptuous　indifference　for　one　who　could　do　no　more　to　amuse　him　being　a　true　measure　of　the　royal　greatness。　Face　to　face　with　even　the　least　of　these　grave　and　pious　men；　how　paltry　and　unclean　are　all　those　courtly　figures；　not　THERE　was　dignity；　in　the　palace　chambers　and　the　stately　gardens；　but　in　the　poor　rooms　where　the　solitaries　of　Port…Royal　prayed　and　studied　and　taught。　Whether　or　not　the　ideal　for　mankind；　their　life　was　worthy　of　man。　And　what　is　rarer　than　a　life　to　which　that　praise　can　be　given？

IX

It　is　amusing　to　note　the　superficial　forms　of　reaction　against　scientific　positivism。　The　triumph　of　Darwin　was　signalized　by　the　invention　of　that　happy　word　Agnostic；　which　had　great　vogue。　But　agnosticism；　as　a　fashion；　was　far　too　reasonable　to　endure。　There　came　a　rumour　of　Oriental　magic；　（how　the　world　repeats　itself！）　and　presently　every　one　who　had　nothing　better　to　do　gossipped　about　〃esoteric　Buddhism〃……the　saving　adjective　sounded　well　in　a　drawing…　room。　It　did　not　hold　very　long；　even　with　the　novelists；　for　the　English　taste　this　esotericism　was　too　exotic。　Somebody　suggested　that　the　old　table…turning　and　spirit…rapping；　which　had　homely　associations；　might　be　re…considered　in　a　scientific　light；　and　the　idea　was　seized　upon。　Superstition　pranked　in　the　professors　spectacles；　it　set　up　a　laboratory；　and　printed　grave　reports。　Day　by　day　its　sphere　widened。　Hypnotism　brough