迪文小说

第73部分（第1页）

For　some　minutes　no　one　spoke。　Diana　then　turned　to　me。

“Jane；　you　will　wonder　at　us　and　our　mysteries；”　she　said；　“and　think　us　hard…hearted　beings　not　to　be　more　moved　at　the　death　of　so　near　a　relation　as　an　uncle；　but　we　have　never　seen　him　or　known　him。　He　was　my　mother’s　brother。　My　father　and　he　quarrelled　long　ago。　It　was　by　his　advice　that　my　father　risked　most　of　his　property　in　the　speculation　that　ruined　him。　Mutual　recrimination　passed　between　them：　they　parted　in　anger；　and　were　never　reconciled。　My　uncle　engaged　afterwards　in　more　prosperous　undertakings：　it　appears　he　realised　a　fortune　of　twenty　thousand　pounds。　He　was　never　married；　and　had　no　near　kindred　but　ourselves　and　one　other　person；　not　more　closely　related　than　we。　My　father　always　cherished　the　idea　that　he　would　atone　for　his　error　by　leaving　his　possessions　to　us；　that　letter　informs　us　that　he　has　bequeathed　every　penny　to　the　other　relation；　with　the　exception　of　thirty　guineas；　to　be　divided　between　St。　John；　Diana；　and　Mary　Rivers；　for　the　purchase　of　three　mourning　rings。　He　had　a　right；　of　course；　to　do　as　he　pleased：　and　yet　a　momentary　damp　is　cast　on　the　spirits　by　the　receipt　of　such　news。　Mary　and　I　would　have　esteemed　ourselves　rich　with　a　thousand　pounds　each；　and　to　St。　John　such　a　sum　would　have　been　valuable；　for　the　good　it　would　have　enabled　him　to　do。”

This　explanation　given；　the　subject　was　dropped；　and　no　further　reference　made　to　it　by　either　Mr。　Rivers　or　his　sisters。　The　next　day　I　left　Marsh　End　for　Morton。　The　day　after；　Diana　and　Mary　quitted　it　for　distant　B…。　In　a　week；　Mr。　Rivers　and　Hannah　repaired　to　the　parsonage：　and　so　the　old　grange　was　abandoned。

Chapter　31

My　home；　then；　when　I　at　last　find　a　home；—is　a　cottage；　a　little　room　with　whitewashed　walls　and　a　sanded　floor；　containing　four　painted　chairs　and　a　table；　a　clock；　a　cupboard；　with　two　or　three　plates　and　dishes；　and　a　set　of　tea…things　in　delf。　Above；　a　chamber　of　the　same　dimensions　as　the　kitchen；　with　a　deal　bedstead　and　chest　of　drawers；　small；　yet　too　large　to　be　filled　with　my　scanty　wardrobe：　though　the　kindness　of　my　gentle　and　generous　friends　has　increased　that；　by　a　modest　stock　of　such　things　as　are　necessary。

It　is　evening。　I　have　dismissed；　with　the　fee　of　an　orange；　the　little　orphan　who　serves　me　as　a　handmaid。　I　am　sitting　alone　on　the　hearth。　This　morning；　the　village　school　opened。　I　had　twenty　scholars。　But　three　of　the　number　can　read：　none　write　or　cipher。　Several　knit；　and　a　few　sew　a　little。　They　speak　with　the　broadest　accent　of　the　district。　At　present；　they　and　I　have　a　difficulty　in　understanding　each　other’s　language。　Some　of　them　are　unmannered；　rough；　intractable；　as　well　as　ignorant；　but　others　are　docile；　have　a　wish　to　learn；　and　evince　a　disposition　that　pleases　me。　I　must　not　forget　that　these　coarsely…clad　little　peasants　are　of　flesh　and　blood　as　good　as　the　scions　of　gentlest　genealogy；　and　that　the　germs　of　native　excellence；　refinement；　intelligence；　kind　feeling；　are　as　likely　to　exist　in　their　hearts　as　in　those　of　the　best…born。　My　duty　will　be　to　develop　these　germs：　surely　I　shall　find　some　happiness　in　discharging　that　office。　Much　enjoyment　I　do　not　expect　in　the　life　opening　before　me：　yet　it　will；　doubtless；　if　I　regulate　my　mind；　and　exert　my　powers　as　I　ought；　yield　me　enough　to　live　on　from　day　to　day。

Was　I　very　gleeful；　settled；　content；　during　the　hours　I　passed　in　yonder　bare；　humble　schoolroom　this　morning　and　afternoon？　Not　to　deceive　myself；　I　must　reply—No：　I　felt　desolate　to　a　degree。　I　felt—yes；　idiot　that　I　am—I　felt　degraded。　I　doubted　I　had　taken　a　step　which　sank　instead　of　raising　me　in　the　scale　of　social　existence。　I　was　weakly　dismayed　at　the　ignorance；　the　poverty；　the　coarseness　of　all　I　heard　and　saw　round　me。　But　let　me　not　hate　and　despise　myself　too　much　for　these　feelings；　I　know　them　to　be　wrong—that　is　a　great　step　gained；　I　shall　strive　to　overe　them。　To…　morrow；　I　trust；　I　shall　get　the　better　of　them　partially；　and　in　a　few　weeks；　perhaps；　they　will　be　quite　subdued。　In　a　few　months；　it　is　possible；　the　happiness　of　seeing　progress；　and　a　change　for　the　better　in　my　scholars　may　substitute　gratification　for　disgust。

Meantime；　let　me　ask　myself　one　question—Which　is　better？—To　have　surrendered　to　temptation；　listened　to　passion；　made　no　painful　effort—no　struggle；—but　to　have　sunk　down　in　the　silken　snare；　fallen　asleep　on　the　flowers　covering　it；　wakened　in　a　southern　clime；　amongst　the　luxuries　of　a　pleasure　villa：　to　have　been　now　living　in　France；　Mr。　Rochester’s　mistress；　delirious　with　his　love　half　my　time—for　he　would—oh；　yes；　he　would　have　loved　me　well　for　a　while。　He　did　love　me—no　one　will　ever　love　me　so　again。　I　shall　never　more　know　the　sweet　homage　given　to　beauty；　youth；　and　grace—for　never　to　any　one　else　shall　I　seem　to　possess　these　charms。　He　was　fond　and　proud　of　me—it　is　what　no　man　besides　will　ever　be。—But　where　am　I　wandering；　and　what　am　I　saying；　and　above　all；　feeling？　Whether　is　it　better；　I　ask；　to　be　a　slave　in　a　fool’s　paradise　at　Marseilles—fevered　with　delusive　bliss　one　hour—suffocating　with　the　bitterest　tears　of　remorse　and　shame　the　next—or　to　be　a　village…schoolmistress；　free　and　honest；　in　a　breezy　mountain　nook　in　the　healthy　heart　of　England？

Yes；　I　feel　now　that　I　was　right　when　I　adhered　to　principle　and　law；　and　scorned　and　crushed　the　insane　promptings　of　a　frenzied　moment。　God　directed　me　to　a　correct　choice：　I　thank　His　providence　for　the　guidance！

Having　brought　my　eventide　musings　to　this　point；　I　rose；　went　to　my　door；　and　looked　at　the　sunset　of　the　harvest…day；　and　at　the　quiet　fields　before　my　cottage；　which；　with　the　school；　was　distant　half　a　mile　from　the　village。　The　birds　were　singing　their　last　strains—

“The　air　was　mild；　the　dew　was　balm。”

While　I　looked；　I　thought　myself　happy；　and　was　surprised　to　find　myself　ere　long　weeping—and　why？　For　the　doom　which　had　reft　me　from　adhesion　to　my　master：　for　him　I　was　no　more　to　see；　for　the　desperate　grief　and　fatal　fury—consequences　of　my　departure—which　might　now；　perhaps；　be　dragging　him　from　the　path　of　right；　too　far　to　leave　hope　of　ultimate　restoration　thither。　At　this　thought；　I　turned　my　face　aside　from　the　lovely　sky　of　eve　and　lonely　vale　of　Morton—I　say　lonely；　for　in　that　bend　of　it　visible　to　me　there　was　no　building　apparent　save　the　church　and　the　parsonage；　half…hid　in　trees；　and；　quite　at　the　extremity；　the　roof　of　Vale　Hall；　where　the　rich　Mr。　Oliver　and　his　daughter　lived。　I　hid　my　eyes；　and　leant　my　head　against　the　stone　frame　of　my　door；　but　soon　a　slight　noise　near　the　wicket　which　shut　in　my　tiny　garden　from　the　meadow　beyond　it　made　me　look　up。　A　dog—old　Carlo；　Mr。　Rivers’　pointer；　as　I　saw　in　a　moment—was　pushing　the　gate　with　his　nose；　and　St。　John　himself　leant　upon　it　with　folded　arms；　his　brow　knit；　his　gaze；　grave　almost　to　displeasure；　fixed　on　me。　I　asked　him　to　e　in。

“No；　I　cannot　stay；　I　have　only　brought　you　a　little　parcel　my　sisters　left　for　you。　I　think　it　contains　a　colour…box；　pencils；　and　paper。”

I　approached　to　take　it：　a　wele　gift　it　was。　He　examined　my　face；　I　thought；　with　austerity；　as　I　came　near：　the　traces　of　tears　were　doubtless　very　visible　upon　it。

“Have　you　found　your　first　day’s　work　harder　than　you　expected？”　he　asked。

“Oh；　no！　On　the　contrary；　I　think　in　time　I　shall　get　on　with　my　scholars　very　well。”

“But　perhaps　your　acmodations—your　cottage—your　furniture—have　disappointed　your　expectations？　They　are；　in　truth；　scanty　enough；　but—”　I　interrupted—

“My　cottage　is　clean　and　weather…proof；　my　furniture　sufficient　and　modious。　All　I　see　has　made　me　thankful；　not　despondent。　I　am　not　absolutely　such　a　fool　and　sensualist　as　to　regret　the　absence　of　a　carpet；　a　sofa；　and　silver　plate；　besides；　five　weeks　ago　I　had　nothing—I　was　an　outcast；　a　beggar；　a　vagrant；　noe；　a　business。　I　wonder　at　the　goodness　of　God；　the　generosity　of　my　friends；　the　bounty　of　my　lot。　I　do　not　repine。”

“But　you　feel　solitude　an　oppression？　The　little　house　there　behind　you　is　dark　and　empty。”

“I　have　hardly　had　time　yet　to　enjoy　a　sense　of　tranquillity；　much　less　to　grow　impatient　under　one　of　loneliness。”

“Very　well；　I　hope　you　feel　the　content　you　express：　at　any　rate；　your　good　sense　will　tell　you　that　it　is　too　soon　yet　to　yield　to　the　vacillating　fears　of　Lot’s　wife。　What　you　had　left　before　I　saw　you；　of　course　I　do　not　know；　but　I　counsel　you　to　resist　firmly　every　temptation　which　would　incline　you　to　look　back：　pursue　your　present　career　steadily；　for　some　months　at　least。”

“It　is　what　I　mean　to　do；”　I　answered。　St。　John　continued—

“It　is　hard　work　to　control　the　workings　of　inclination　and　turn　the　bent　of　nature；　but　that　it　may　be　done；　I　know　from　experience。　God　has　given　us；　in　a　measure；　the　power　to　make　our　own　fate；　and　when　our　energies　seem　to　demand　a　sustenance　they　cannot　get—when　our　will　strains　after　a　path　we　may　not　follow—we　need　neither　starve　from　inanition；　nor　stand　still　in　despair：　we　have　but　to　seek　another　nourishment　for　the　mind；　as　strong　as　the　forbidden　food　it　longed　to　taste—and　perhaps　purer；　and　to　hew　out　for　the　adventurous　foot　a　road　as　direct　and　broad　as　the　one　Fortune　has　blocked　up　against　us；　if　rougher　than　it。

“A　year　ago　I　was　myself　intensely　miserable；　because　I　thought　I　had　made　a　mistake　in　entering　the　ministry：　its　uniform　duties　wearied　me　to　death。　I　burnt　for　the　more　active　life　of　the　world—for　the　more　exciting　toils　of　a　literary　career—for　the　destiny　of　an　artist；　author；　orator；　anything　rather　than　that　of　a　priest：　yes；　the　heart　of　a　politician；　of　a　soldier；　of　a　votary　of　glory；　a　lover　of　renown；　a　luster　after　power；　beat　under　my　curate’s　surplice。　I　considered；　my　life　was　so　wretched；　it　must　be　changed；　or　I　must　die。　After　a　season　of　darkness　and　struggling；　light　broke　and　relief　fell：　my　cramped　existence　all　at　once　spread　out　to　a　plain　without　bounds—my　powers　heard　a　call　from　heaven　to　rise；　gather　their　full　strength；　spread　their　wings；　and　mount　beyond　ken。　God　had　an　errand　for　me；　to　bear　which　afar；　to　deliver　it　well；　skill　and　strength；　courage　and　eloquence；　the　best　qualifications　of　soldier；　statesman；　and　orator；　were　all　needed：　for　these　all　centre　in　the　good　missionary。

“A　missionary　I　resolved　to　be。　From　that　moment　my　state　of　mind　changed；　the　fetters　dissolved　and　dropped　from　every　faculty；　leaving　nothing　of　bondage　but　its　galling　soreness—which　time　only　can　heal。　My　father；　indeed；　imposed　the　determination；　but　since　his　death；　I　have　not　a　legitimate　obstacle　to　contend　with；　some　affairs　settled；　a　successor　for　Morton　provided；　an　entanglement　or　two　of　the　feelings　broken　through　or　cut　asunder—a　last　conflict　with　human　weakness；　in　which　I　know　I　shall　overe；　because　I　have　vowed　that　I　will　overe—and　I　leave　Europe　for　the　East。”

He　said　this；　in　his　peculiar；　subdued；　yet　emphatic　voice；　looking；　when　he　had　ceased　speaking；　not　at　me；　but　at　the　setting　sun；　at　which　I　looked　too。　Both　he　and　I　had　our　backs　towards　the　path　leading　up　the　field　to　the　wicket。　We　had　heard　no　step　on　that　grass…grown　track；　the　water　running　in　t